Welcome to 50: Why Getting Older Sucks

  1. Doctors refer to you as a “woman of a certain age.”
  2. Then they schedule every bleeping test available. Do I look like I have that much time to sit in doctors’ offices? I’m not old enough to retire.
  3. You receive a birthday card from AARP confirming that you are now eligible to join. Really? Are the benefits that good?
  4. Restaurant menus are troublesome to read. You succumb to reading glasses or bifocals. The other option is to use the flashlight app on your phone and ignore the weird looks from your daughter or the people at the table next to you. I actually made my daughter read the menu to me once. I’m shocked she’ll be seen with me in public.
  5. Age spots appear on your age spots and wrinkles on your wrinkles. I begin to wonder if age spots can be cancerous.
  6. Teenagers look like children, but you remember how grown-up and worldly you felt at 18. Now, all I want to do is lecture them about staying out of trouble.
  7. Summer hates you. I used to mountain bike for hours and run five miles in the hot, humid Connecticut heat. Now I step out the door and say, “Nope. Not walking the dogs in this.” The air conditioning is my friend.
  8. There is not enough coffee in the world to keep me awake beyond 9 pm. Why has television become so, so boring?
  9. And yet at 4:30 am, I’m ready to wake up with the way-too-loud birds outside my bedroom window.
  10.   You hear a lot of stories about colonoscopies, illnesses, and aging at book clubs, birthday parties, and other old people activities. Why can’t we just have wild wine nights?



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