I Want a Normal Life

A satire about the pandemic based on the classic, “I Want a Wife” by Judy Brady.

I belong to the classification of people known as pandemic quaranteamers. I live in a bubble with my tight-knit social circle that includes a husband and a few family members. And, not altogether incidentally, I take a firm stance on personal protective equipment and social distancing. As such, I lack a normal life.

Not too long ago an extroverted and skeptical friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent excursion to a bar. He had dinner and drinks, which was, he claimed, scrumptious. He is looking for another outing. As I thought about him while I opened a can of Campbell’s vegetable soup one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to return to a normal life that allows me to be social and venture out into the world. Why, you ask, do I miss my normal life? 

I would like to go back to having conversations where I can bear witness to facial expressions, not worry about six feet of separation, and, if need be, eavesdrop on the next table for inspiration when I lack something witty to say. I also want a life that will inspire me and provide new experiences. I want my normal life to dissipate my current feelings of boredom and malaise. 

I want a life that enables me to not only plan but keep doctor and dentist appointments. Actually, I want a life so over scheduled with appointments, I struggle to remember them. I want a life that permits me to visit the doctor when sick without fear of becoming even more ill.

I want a normal life that nurtures me socially and intellectually. My life should make sure I have time to socialize with peers; that provides walks through the park, trips to bookstores and beaches, and coffee dates. I want a life that will allow me to peruse clothes at the mall and take them to the cleaners after they have been worn to work. And if I venture out on a weekend excursion, I’d like to live without fear of the dog sitter bringing something worse than scooped poop into the house with her. 

The return to a life full of services would be nice. I want to not worry when my car has an oil change and tune up about how many hands touched the steering wheel or if they wore gloves. I want a life that will allow me to hire someone to keep my house immaculate. I want a life that will allow me to rest in an exotic location. I look forward to an existence that will allow me to go to a hotel and have someone pick up after me. 

I want a life that gives me a reason to shower, dress up, and go out to dinner, bored as I am of canned soups and bagged salads. I want to eat with gusto. I want an existence that allows me time off from cooking meals and provides numerous options other than drive-thru take out. I want to plan menus involving more than a single weekly visit to the grocery store or an Amazon Pantry delivery. I want some place to be.

I want a normal life where I will not fear returning to work because of the constant news feeds detailing every aspect of the pandemic. An existence that allows for five days a week, in-person schooling without the fear of exposure after a student removes their mask to sneeze. I want to see faces in my classroom. I want a life that will allow me to teach in front of a full class of smiling (or sneering) faces, the ability to peer over a student’s shoulders, and have one-on-one, in-person conferences. I want a life that will allow for Socratic seminars and whole group discussion with students sitting in a circle around the classroom. I want noisy peer reviews and department meetings in a single room rather than by Zoom. I want a life that takes care of my student’s needs as much as my own.

When I return to my normal life after this pandemic one, I want the liberty to INSTANTLY replace my present life with that one. Naturally, I will expect my fresh, new normal life to involve little responsibility, few restrictions, and much freedom. 

Who wouldn’t want a normal life?

Valentine Day Treats

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Welcome to Ravenous Fables. Here you’ll encounter fairy tales from across the globe, reimagined and reinvented by a group of talented authors. Expect scintillating stories to get your heart-racing and prepare for sweet seduction. Searching for steamy mystical entanglements? You’ve come to the right place. Includes the delicious writings from these inventive authors: Jack Archer, Tiffany K. Brooke, Rynn Collins, Melissa Cummins, A.C. Dawn, Andra Dill, T. Elizabeth Guthrie, Sheri Lynn, E.S. McMillan, Jennie L. Morris, Kate Seger, Dakota Star, Whitney Zahar

*WARNING* This collection of short stories involves extensive, mind-blowing, adult themes and is intended for Adults Readers Only!

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Me Teach Pretty One Day

At the age of 52, I’m returning to the classroom and having to think of myself as an apprentice. After hours of Google Classroom professional development by video, but without a certificate of accomplishment, the help of a genie in a bottle, or the guiding light of insight from popular books like Forward, Backward, Inside, Outside Planning, I am ready.

I’m permanently glued to the seat behind my desk in front of my screen, all day, every day trying to invoke a passion for learning in students. Other teachers share their flawless lessons with Pear Deck and Jamboard, exhibiting an ease and confidence with their humorous video vignettes I find intimidating. As an added daily discomfort, students gape at me from behind muted mics and avatars as I struggle to “Present Screen” only to have the sound reverberate in deafening decimals through the hallway.

I remind myself I am an accomplished teacher. Supervisors no longer demand to see my lesson plans and parents no longer ask my philosophy of education during conferences. At my age and amid a pandemic, any reasonable educator would have taken early retirement. Isn’t that the great promise of this career (along with summers off)? I can’t help but think back to August before the endless rounds of PD, video meetings, and online collaboration and wonder where I made a wrong turn.

Leading my lovelies in class, I am now thrice as anxious as I was. My anxieties have not vanished but reproduced with every online quiz and exploded with the release of each new Principal Update for Parents. My fears have surpassed that first day of student teaching, walking through the endless halls of East Hartford High School lost and being chastised by the security guards. New insecurities exceed those of my return to teaching at Harding High School in Bridgeport, CT. How I long for the days, pre-lock down, when a student could roam the hall with a scythe and classroom doors remained unlocked.

“Just another day,” a fellow teacher intoned at the lunch table after the scythe-wielding student had been apprehended. “Embrace the chaos.”

I’m still struggling to do so.

Every day of class is intimidating because I’m expected to perform for the two students sitting in front of me, the twenty online, and the three who still believe class is asynchronous, and they can log in at any time before 11:59 p.m. My administrators reiterate daily how I need take responsibility for all styles of online education: whether in-class, hybrid, remote, half-day or four-days-a-week. 

Students wander virtually into class twenty minutes after the start, click on the camera to explain why they overslept. I enjoy the view of their bed and the onesie they lounge in as they rest comfortably against their pillows, half asleep while I bang my head against the keyboard.

Restored by the tactile exertion, but with a dull headache, I rattle off a series of announcements, assignment due dates, and goals for the lesson to a screen broken into twenty-some little avatars ranging from cartoon characters to undecipherable aliens.  I ask a question about the novel we read, Lord of the Flies.

Silence. After two minutes, it grows deafening. A student unmutes to cough. Another in class mumbles a response but her mask covers her lips and it sounds like “mrsfdsjgsoigjsiggsf.”

“Excellent. Everyone agree? Let’s move on,” I say before opening a Jamboard. “All right, are we all excited to talk about this important quotation on the screen? Add your sticky notes with an explanation.”

After what seems like a rather long wait, two little yellow sticky notes appear. Then the rush. Once the first contribution has been gifted, a waterfall of yellow tumbles down. A few notes in other colors trickle in. The purple ones beg to be discussed.

A student speaks. I stare at his avatar, a baby in a battle helmet with the word “incoming” underneath and wonder on its profound implications. He presents me with a fact from the book.

“Yes, Ralph is 12 years old,” I reply and type a question into the chat box hoping to spur further responses. “Tell us more, please.” I sound like I’m begging.

I instruct while continuing to converse using the chat application. I attempt personal, complementary, and compassionate rapid-fire responses to each and every student. I notice a typo in my reply. A student gleefully points it out to me. It’s an occasion for shame. With great joy, I type, “I know the reply of which you mention. Learn me more, please. I teach you pretty now.”

Ravenous Fables Giveaway

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